Why Do I Keep Dreaming About My Ex?

What Does It Mean?

Ex-partner dreams are fairly common, with studies showing 5% to 8% of people’s dreams are about former romantic partners Trusted Source National Library of Medicine, Biotech Information The National Center for Biotechnology Information advances science and health by providing access to biomedical and genomic information. View Source . Exes can also show up in sex dreams, and a SleepFoundation.org survey found that 25% of people have dreamed about having sex with an ex. As with other memorable dreams, such as those of teeth falling out, dreams of exes can spark strong emotion. 

There’s no single, correct dream interpretation for dreams about exes. Instead, the meaning of each dream likely varies from person to person, depending on the unique relationship they had with their ex, as well as their current romantic situation and emotional state.

Unresolved Feelings

If you still experience unresolved feelings related to your ex, they may appear in your dreams. However, your waking-life feelings toward your ex don’t necessarily have to be romantic. You could also have lingering frustration, anger, sadness, or jealousy you are ready to move on from for the sake of personal growth. Unresolved issues are especially likely to surface in recurring dreams, or dreams you have repeatedly.

Need for Closure

If your relationship with your ex ended abruptly, or if your ex wasn’t willing to discuss why the relationship was ending, there may be a lingering need for closure. Dreams about your ex may allow you the chance to say things you wish you could’ve said in waking life (or hear things you wish you could’ve heard your ex say), helping you get the closure you desire.

Past Trauma

Another possible reason for dreaming about an ex may be past trauma from the relationship, including abuse or the death of your partner. Research shows that stressful emotions and trauma during waking hours can impact the subject matter of your dreams.

Dreaming about a deceased partner can be a method of managing grief Trusted Source National Library of Medicine, Biotech Information The National Center for Biotechnology Information advances science and health by providing access to biomedical and genomic information. View Source . If this is the case for you, consider speaking with a therapist, who can help you explore these dreams and process your grief and trauma.

Recently Seeing Your Ex

Whether by scrolling through social media or bumping into them at the grocery store, seeing your ex can trigger their appearance in your dreams. An ex showing up in your dreams may simply be part of memory consolidation Trusted Source National Library of Medicine, Biotech Information The National Center for Biotechnology Information advances science and health by providing access to biomedical and genomic information. View Source . Research shows that dreams most frequently incorporate events one to seven days after Trusted Source National Library of Medicine, Biotech Information The National Center for Biotechnology Information advances science and health by providing access to biomedical and genomic information. View Source the event experience.

Similar Relationship Concerns

Some studies have shown that elements of a relationship can manifest in dreams. For example, if you have been cheated on in your relationship, you’re more likely to dream about infidelity than someone who has not. These types of dreams can occur even after you have broken up. 

These types of dreams may indicate a need for closure with an ex, or they might reflect concerns you have about infidelity in a new relationship. In other cases, dreams about your ex may represent parallels in your real life or relationships. If you’re questioning the honesty of your friends, you might dream about an ex cheating because the emotions are similar.

Your Ex Symbolizes Something Else

A dream about an ex might not be about your previous partner at all. Instead, your ex can represent another element in your life. Consider how you feel about them and what memories you associate with them. Those emotions may be the more significant component of the dream rather than your ex. 

For example, if your ex brings feelings of stress or frustration, consider what in your current life is causing those same emotions. Keep in mind that major life changes, such as pregnancy or trauma, can also affect your dreams.

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What About Specific Dreams About Your Ex?

Not all ex-related dreams are the same. Specific details, like what your ex says or how you feel in the dream, can offer deeper insight into what your mind is working through.

Getting Back Together

The most straight-forward interpretation of a dream in which you reunite with an ex is that you genuinely want to be with them again Trusted Source National Library of Medicine, Biotech Information The National Center for Biotechnology Information advances science and health by providing access to biomedical and genomic information. View Source . However, if you don’t feel like you want to get back together with your ex in waking life, don’t doubt yourself because of a dream. Getting back together in a dream could also indicate that you miss one specific aspect of the relationship, such as the way you joked around together.

Breaking Up Again

Dreams can be a way to process emotional life experiences Trusted Source Scientific Reports View Source . If your break-up felt emotionally charged, you may dream about it simply to better understand what happened. Break-up dreams could also provide an opportunity to “practice” how you might face that situation if you were in it again.

Arguing With Your Ex

As with break-ups, arguments often involve strong emotions, and strong emotions tend to make their way into our dreams. Dreams of arguing could help you process past arguments you found upsetting Trusted Source National Library of Medicine, Biotech Information The National Center for Biotechnology Information advances science and health by providing access to biomedical and genomic information. View Source . They could also be a way of addressing unfinished business if the arguments play out differently than they did in waking life.

Your Ex Apologizing to You

Some people speculate that your ex apologizes to you in a dream, this may be your mind’s way of providing you closure. This could be especially true if you’ve felt like you deserved an apology that your ex hasn’t provided in waking life.

Cheating With Your Ex

Sex dreams, including sex dreams about exes, can be interpreted in a variety of ways. The simplest interpretation is that you would like to have sex in waking life. If sex with your ex was pleasurable, your dream may indicate you’d like to experience that pleasure again. It doesn’t necessarily mean you want to be with your ex again.

Is It Normal?

Dreams about ex romantic partners are normal and somewhat common. Our survey found that 25% of people have dreamt about sex with an ex, and studies show that 5% to 8% of people’s dreams are about an ex.

Dreams about an ex-partner are also more likely to include interactions that spur positive emotions or involve sexual activity than dreams with a current partner. In contrast, dreams about a current partner tend to be more mundane and involve doing shared activities.

Should You Feel Guilty?

You shouldn’t feel guilty after dreaming about an ex, even if you’re currently in a relationship and the dream felt enjoyable or involved sex. You can’t control your dreams, so what happens in them shouldn’t prompt guilt. Dreams about exes are common and can represent a variety of meanings. They don’t necessarily indicate that you want to cheat or prefer your ex over your current romantic partner.

What Can You Do?

While you might wish to stop dreaming about your ex, that’s unfortunately not within your conscious control. However, depending on why you’re dreaming about an ex, there could be steps you can take to reduce how often you dream about them. Start by asking yourself:

• What did I learn from that ex? 
• What unfinished business do I have with them? 
• What do I need for closure?

Reflecting on these questions won’t necessarily stop the dreams, but it can help you better understand them—and maybe even move forward more confidently in your waking life.

“Dreams fade quickly from conscious memory. By keeping a piece of paper and pen on your nightstand, you can quickly capture the dream’s content before it fades away. This may in turn lead to increased dream recall.”

Brandon R. Peters, MD, FAASM

Sleep Physician, Sleep Psychiatry Expert

How to Stop Dreaming of Your Ex

Additionally, you can try these strategies to see if they lead to fewer dreams about your ex:

• See and talk about your ex less often: What people experience in waking life tends to make its way into the dream world. If you still see your ex regularly or have conversations about them, it’s likely you’ll continue to dream about them. This is also true about seeing them on social media. When you remove your ex from your daytime awareness, you may find they no longer show up in your dreams.
• Address your subconscious mind: Think about the emotions you feel in dreams about your ex. Once you pinpoint how you’re feeling, you can find ways to work with those emotions. If your ex dreams are sad, maybe you need to grieve and acknowledge the loss you felt when the relationship ended. If your ex dreams feel happy, perhaps you want to bring more fun into your current life.
• Focus on your current relationship or dating: Instead of staying focused on this person from your past, learn what you can from ex dreams and apply what you learn to your present. Maybe your ex dreams are telling you to spice up your sex life, address feelings of insecurity you have about your current relationship, or begin dating again. 
• Give it time: The number of dreams that you have about an ex is thought to decline with time. If your relationship with your ex ended recently, view dreams about your ex as a side effect that will eventually fade. Be patient with your mind as it processes what happened. View these dreams as a normal human experience and don’t imbue them with extra meaning.

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